internet friends (special edition) : ask slutever for IDLM

Have you been craving a new edition of Slutever for IDLM? Karley talks drug usage, manual issues, and kissing cousins. Email her at to ask your own questions. Be sure to check out out all the new developments on Slutever, including her hilarious and informative new show on Vice! 

Dear Slutever,

I’m a fairly heavy heroin user. I’ve been doing it off and on since I was twenty-one (I'm turning thirty in a few months), and have been seriously addicted for the last five years. I do not use needles (I snort it), but my use is a good deal heavier than most junkies I've known. When I have the money I can use up to twenty bags a day, whereas most users hover somewhere in the three to four range. Most of my sexual life has been spent in relationships. From my high school sweetheart on I found myself losing my libido as the relationship progressed, to the point where I would not want sex even though I still found the person in question very sexy, and would even at times masturbate to the thought of a girlfriend perfectly willing to have sex with me.

My last girlfriend did not know I was using drugs and a huge part of our breakup revolved around my refusal to fuck her, even not being able to get it up sometimes. I found her very sexy and wanted to be with her but my libido just dropped off a cliff after the sixth month. I now have gotten down to masturbating about once a week just to release fluids and neither my mind nor body crave sex in the least. I enjoy sex and miss it and wonder if there is any problem with me other than the drug use, and if there is a possibility that I might be able to raise my libido without quitting my vice. 


Dear Alexander,

Well, heroin use is widely known to decrease libido, specifically in men. I know you are asking me for a way to solve your problem without quitting your vice, but it’s sort of a difficult question considering your vice is the problem. I dated a guy on heroin for a while a few years ago, and his problem was that he could never cum. He wanted to have sex, but then he would go on for ages with no orgasm. And you’d think a guy that could last a long time would be a good thing, but I could tell he wasn’t even enjoying the most of the time--he was mainly just was continuing on out of frustration. Our sex would normally end with me having a neck ache and a dried up, swolen vagina, and him being angry. It was really awful and I don’t know why I did it for as long as I did. The fact is, even if you’re a functioning user and can hide it from girlfriends, you’re going to be a sexual disappointment to the girls you date. Girlfriends like sex (duh) so if you’re choosing heroin over sex, then I can see why girls would dump you. So I guess you have to choose.

My advice would be to quit heroin because heroin sucks. I could go into why, however I feel that is unnecessary given the near infinite information available on the subject. And that guy I was talking about before: he’s in jail now and the last time I saw him he has a bunch of red sores all over his face. No one wants to fuck a prisoner covered in sores. Fact.

Dear Slutever, 

I'm 17 and have my first boyfriend (I realize I'm sad, don't worry). We haven't had sex yet which is fine, but the issue is that I can't get him to cum. Like seriously, how hard can it be?! In a panic I tragically had to Google how to give head but I was already doing what the websites told me to, but it just doesn't work on him. Could you give me some tips or even a breakdown of what I should be doing. Maybe hand tips too, seeing as I need mouth breaks from his impossible-to-please dick.   


Dear Kelly,

Communication is totally key in this sort of situation! It’s not weird to ask someone what they want in bed. It would be weird if you were like, “OMG what is wrong with your dick!” but it’s not weird to say, “Tell me what you want me to do... I’ll do whatever you want.” Actually, just saying that will probably turn him on. (Disclaimer: you don’t actually have to do whatever he wants if you don’t want to, but you can say it anyway.) Good communication really does make sex better, I promise, so we should all start talking about sex and what we turns us on and what we love and don’t love with our lovers right now.

In terms of BJ/HJ advice, guys are more visual than girls, so maybe give him some sexy visuals to turn him on, like take your shirt and bra off really slowly or whatever. Also, a good BJ tip (if the guy is lying down on his back) is to get on your hands and knees and place your body perpendicular to his, this way he can look at your entire body while you suck his dick, which is hot. Also if you’re giving a BJ and/or HJ and you want the to finish, it’s important to get into a rhythm with your mouth/hand and not to break from it. So basically at the beginning you can do lots of sexy licking and add in frills or whatever, but at the end just do the same thing over and over. Also, if you’re going through all this trouble for him then he should also be working hard to make you cum too. Just sayin’. Also, just a thought... maybe your bf is gay?

Dear Slutever, 

Last night my family threw a block party. My (female) cousin was in town partying too. I'm 23, she's 17 and insanely hot. Shit got boring because alcohol was in short supply, so the two of us went to my room and play Xbox. I kept killing her and taunting her, and she got (mock) angry and started talking shit back to me. Eventually we settled on a bet: whoever dies next has to masturbate in front of the other person. Then she died. I was super nervous at this point, so I tried to play it off as if we were never serious about it, but she (also really nervous) said a “promise is a promise”. This was fucking awesome for me, because I've been fantasizing about this girl for years. So she was doing it (pants down, but underwear on) and I had the biggest boner I've ever had. I finally worked up the courage to sit closer to her, she kept going, and I leant over and kissed her. And she kissed me back! I felt her boob, she stopped masturbating and started rubbing my cock. Long story short she gave me a blow-job and then we went to our separate rooms. Fucking A. But now she's really upset. She hasn't told anyone what happened, but she's been crying, and asking me why I raped her! WTF! She's saying it's statutory rape even if she did say it was okay, and I'm worried I'm going to be completely fucked (figuratively and literally, once I'm in prison for underage incest sex!). What should I do?

John, NM  

Dear John,

Jeez Louise, you really got yourself into a pickle. Have you seen that movie The Dreamers? Total incest vibes, and there’s a scene in it similar to what you just described, except they never make it to the blow job. You should watch it though, I think you’d be into it. Anyway, I personally don’t think there’s anything wrong with hooking up with your cousin. And I can imagine the “wrongness” aspect of it would make the situation hotter. (And it’s not like it’s your sibling or your mom or something, which even I have to admit is kind of weird.) So, if things went down as you said they did then you are not a rapist. However the problem with fucking 16/17 years olds is that they can always pull the statutory rape card. Selfish little cunts! This is why it’s probably better to not take the risk on the underagers, even though I believe most 17 year olds are completely mentally and physically capable of deciding who they want to fuck with and when. (Why the age of consent in America is 18, I have no clue...) But anyway, my advice is to sit down with your cousin and talk rationally about what happened. Explain that you never meant to hurt her, and that what happened was a result of decisions made by both of you. Talk about how if she started telling people you raped her that you could go to jail for a very long time. Hopefully she’s just a bit overwhelmed right now and will calm down soon. Yikes... :/


Jake said...

For the people who think she shouldn't be giving out advice you might be right but whether or not you think she should the questions were asked to her. So if someone ask a question you should answer it if shes unqualified they should have asked someone else like Dear Abby joking there but there are plenty of other people that will answer sex related questions. As for the cousin situation I don't think the whole story is there I don't know that for a fact it just feels off to me and no I'm no expert this is just my opinion. Hers the thing though after your name you put a NM if that means New Mexico the age of consent is 17 so if you are/were there its not statutory. I still think you need to talk to here if you didn't force her and try to figure out whats wrong maybe she feels bad because it was with a cousin and she thinks that's wrong maybe she was high or drunk and thinks you took advantage of her I don't know on that. I do figure that if she does start telling people even though if your in NM there will be a huge family fallout. I fooled around with a cousin one time I met her and we had a good time for one night she was headed back home the next day we didn't have sex but we had fun under the stars. The next day we talked on the phone and started talking about our families and figured out at that point that we were cousins I think she was a 2nd cousin so not immediate but fairly close neither of us had any issue with it she just lived a long was away from me. I think though that if you truly love someone them being a cousin shouldn't matter now a sibling is a different thing to me the only time it might would be okay with me is siblings maybe half siblings that didn't know each other met and fell in love then discovered they were related. Though the chances of that are small it has happened before.

Helen Alexander said...

One more suggestion for the girl whose bf can't cum...find out how he masturbates! Apparently some guys do it way rough by themselves and so theyre used to that sensation being what makes them get off. I even met one guy who could only get off by humping wood. WOOD FROM TREES.
So if the issue is that he needs to retrain his dick there are lots of suggestions on the internet especially from Dan Savage (which is where I heard about this). Good luck!